LumberJunk 2021 - The First Annual, The Inaugural.

This is the Crew

This all started as most bad ideas start, I had a little too much free time on my hands to think. Actually, I was running SAG for Laurie and Teresa as they made an attempt at the 130-mile long CrusherEX 100. I’d been trying to think of something I could do this fall as a “Bad Idea Ride” for a while when it hit.

To be completely honest I was struggling with this, not with coming up with an idea, but with doing a bad idea ride without Brett. For the last four years Brett and I had done at least one BIR, usually something that caused us to spend more hours on our bikes in one day than most people ride in a year. Because of this I knew I had to come up with an idea I could do with a group, throw out the 400-mile, 24+ hour ideas.

So, something anyone, lots of anyones, could join in on.

That’s when I remembered Brett and I had always joked about riding either junk or inexpensive bikes on a mountain bike trail and it just seemed like the right kind of bad idea. I sat on the idea for a little while, then one day I sent a Facebook message to Chad, Dustin, Tristin, Joe and Sebastian and Trevor.

From there the idea took on a life of its own and the next thing I knew Chad was at Walmart buying three bikes that were very much not designed to take the abuse we were going to dish out to them.  I’m guessing he would have bought more, but that was all they had that day. Hyper Havoc time.

The Hyper Havoc with optional blinky streamers

Somewhere along the line I had the idea I wanted to do this as a fundraiser for the Brett Miller Memorial fund. I made a few posts and sent a few emails and support was coming in. People were making donations or pledging to donate some amount per mile I rode, and Hammer Nutrition and ESI Grips donated some great items for me to give away as part of a guessing game I came up with. The questions were pretty funny, along the lines of: How many miles until the first mechanical? How many miles will the person who rides the furthest make it?  Etc. Stuff you would never think of riding the bikes we usually ride.

I even poked fun at myself in some of the posts, for example:

...A few of us are riding the trails of Big M on “junker” bikes in an attempt to see how far we can make it. Can we hit 50 miles, 100 miles? How much trailside maintenance will we need to do? How much of a beating will we be able to take without our fancy full suspension, electronic shifters and carefully selected tires? Brett would have been so excited to spend a day being this ridiculous.

Dustin, Chad and I decided to have a pre-LumberJunk party. The Tuesday before the ride we got together and assembled our Hyper Havocs. Dustin was running late so Chad and I sat there waiting very impatiently for him to get there, planning what we could do to make him pay for being late. We didn’t come up with anything because we had bike building on the brain. We did have a great time hanging out and put way too much thought and care into making sure our bikes were set up just so.

Fast forward past the planning, re-planning, countless juvenile jokes turned mildly inappropriate, even after Nicole was added to the group chat, and we found ourselves camping at Big Bear Sportsman’s club in Kaleva, MI. All that separated us from the first annual LumberJunk was one night’s sleep and a 20-minute drive (and maybe a few more jokes about Joe’s bike).

Saturday morning; it was almost as exciting as Christmas. Except everyone else was still sleeping and I was ready to go. Let’s go, we have bikes to ride. I had some breakfast, waited until everyone was awake then headed to Big M to start setting everything up.

Eventually everyone else showed up.

At exactly 9:04ish (by that I mean 9:48) a group of us set out. Chad, Joe, Tristen, Dustin, Mike and myself on our junkers, Matt on a bike not up to his usual standards and Nicole on her very nice bike. Along with Jameson, Sebastian and McKenzie who were heading for a trail run and Jenny and Jill who were taking pictures of the Grand Depart.

Matt was leading the group with Joe hot on his wheel with me in third as we rolled through the first mile of Big M at breakneck speeds. On a bike that felt like it wanted to throw me over the bars every time I hit a small bump, it felt like breakneck speeds; it was rather slow to be real. We were all laughing and having a great time in general though. Then we hit the first climb of the day at 1.64 miles.

At 1.65 miles my chain decided it had had too much climbing. At first, I thought I had just dropped the chain, then I looked down and noticed it was broken. Snapped right in half.

That’s right, 1.65 miles was all that chain had in it. It’s not like I even had a chance to be mean to it. I was careful not so shift under load and I hadn’t even tried to put out any amount of big power. Everyone rode passed laughing hysterically. Even the runners passed me. No worries, I was prepared. I brought a multi-tool and my trusty bike mechanic. Chad was kind enough to stop with me and help me get it fixed, it turns out it is really hard to find a quick link for an 8-speed chain so we had to fix it the old fashion way; pushing a pin almost all the way out, take out a link, line everything back up and push the pin in to just the perfect spot so it stays in place but does not bind.

I was back underway being even more careful to meter out power and shifting as carefully as I ever have. But I did want to catch back up to the group. It did not take long to catch and pass the runners, but the riders must have decided to attack when they saw the opportunity. I liked to picture them smashing climbs, tearing up turns and powering through every descent in a mad attempt to make sure I was dropped for good; no compassion for the weak and broken.

In reality, they were just cruising along trying not to break their bikes as well.

It almost worked too, until Dustin decided it was time to go for a breakaway. He was going to show everyone how to ride and what all his Marji training had done. Okay, I made all that up, he was actually just trying to make it up a gentle incline when his chain snapped. He had made it a massive 5.7 miles. But would he let a broken chain dash his hopes of victory and the fame and fortune that come with winning LumberJunk? No way! He flipped that bike upside down, dug out his multi-tool and quickly realized he did not have a chain tool. LOUD EXPLITIVE!!!

Engage Scooter Mode

But he was not about to give up yet. He could still taste the win. (I may be exaggerating again, but it’s my story and I can tell it any way I want). He was trying to take the link apart when I rolled up and gave him my multi-tool. I was going to be nice and help, but that trusty bike mechanic showed up at just the right time again. Chad to the rescue. Nicole rode through and had a good laugh at the three of us too.

I found out later, after I took off Dustin told Chad he was set so Chad took off too. It turns out we all wanted to win the day. Dustin got his chain put back together, went to pedal and realized the chain was not run through the derailleur correctly. He flipped the bike back up, blinky streamers flying everywhere and got back to work. Within [many] moments he had it fixed and was ready to ride. For exactly 1/10 of a mile before the chain exploded again, this time sending a large chunk of it flying somewhere in the woods never to be seen again. The first casualty of the day, making Dustin the winner of the “Golden wrench of infinite fix-it-ness”. 5.8 miles of riding before his junker called it quits.

Not to worry though, it gets better. As Dustin was “scootering” his bike the nearly 4 miles back to the trailhead he was passed, not once, but twice, by a group of people on ATVs. Dustin was later reported saying “I can only imagine what they were thinking, seeing a grown (ass) man in full race kit scooting around a chainless bike with pink streamers in the middle of nowhere”. He did make it back to the trailhead. Thankfully he had the foresight to bring his race bike, so he was able to continue riding.

Back to my story.

After leaving Dustin and Chad, I had resigned myself to not catching the others. I just wanted to keep moving. I caught up with Mike and Nicole as we reached the Fire Tower Climb, which I thought I had put on the route, but I realized once I had pushed my extremely heavy bike to the top it was not on course. At least Mike had the pleasure of joining me. I turned around and rode back down. I thought that bike wanted to throw me over the bars on level ground, boy was I in for a shock when I rode it down a steep hill. Talk about scary. Mike may have had it worse though, all he had was a coaster brake. On or off, locked or rolling, no in between and only on the rear wheel. That will make you grow some man hair no matter who you are.

As I rode on, I lost Mike thanks to the “confident” handling of the Havoc. I was still riding easy on the up hills and taking care during shifts. But that bike was getting louder and louder. The noises it made had me wondering, I’m not even sure what parts of the bike they were coming from. One thing I do know is every time I hit a bump it sounded like the bottom of the fork was going to come through the top of the fork and the rear “suspension” would bounce an extra three times after each bump. Power transfer and efficiency were definite strong suits of the bike.

Things were going well though. I’d figured out how to keep my bike under control and I felt like I could keep some speed on the downhills. Until I was coasting down one hill at a brisk 21 mph when I heard it. Remember that scene in Star Wars when the Death Star exploded, that sound. The rear derailleur had somehow broken off and was bouncing back and forth between my spokes and the ground. I grabbed two handfuls of brake and slowly came to a stop. 7.69 miles. I looked to see if I could somehow reattach the derailleur, it was just a plastic housing that snapped on to a pin that kept it in place after all, but no, the plastic had cracked, and it was done.

I started walking.

It wasn’t but two minutes later when Mike rolled up, part of his pedal in his hand. His right pedal broke apart. He was able to find half of it, but the other half had been claimed by nature. He kindly offered to walk with me, it turns out soft soled shoes on a small metal spindle is rather uncomfortable. We eventually made it to the trailhead, LumberJunk was over for us all well.

One 9.6 mile lap had claimed three of our six junkers. On the other hand, Joe, Tristan and Chad were still going strong.

When I arrived at the trailhead the lead group was there preparing for their next lap, by that I mean they were sitting around laughing and otherwise having a good time. I took a few minutes and tried to turn my bike into a single-speed. I even managed to get it to a point where I could ride it around the trailhead, but it was not what I would call reliable or trustworthy, so I decided I would still call it a day and ride my normal bike.

After a couple of texts, Chad and Nicole were able to find their way back to the trailhead as well, Dustin was still scooting along, entertaining the ATV’ers. The lead group set out again and I waited and rode a lap with Chad. As we rode his bike started to make some of the noises mine had been making, but he was able to keep it going. Every shift was performed with exquisite care, often about 10 seconds before I would shift my bike. Every line was carefully chosen. He also had to work about twice as hard as I did to keep his bike moving; but keep moving he did. We finished the entire lap without a single problem.

Once again everyone was at the trailhead having a good time and getting themselves psyched up for another lap. Even Dustin had arrived. And the runners swapped their running shoes for a bike and joined in on the fun for lap number 3. Matt, Sebastian and I took the lead with Joe in close pursuit. Tristan was still riding but a crash earlier in the day had slowed him down a bit. It was a fun lap, and somehow, the three remaining LumberJunk bikes made it again. I don’t know what they did to those things; I heard rumblings about selling a soul to some shady underworld character, but I do not put much stock in that tale. After all, once they made three laps the underworld character would begging them for mercy. 

Before race day I had heard rumors that a certain bearded bike photographer might stop out and sure enough, there was Rob or as Jenny called him Bob Fleendering.

After lap three, Tristan and Chad decided they had taken all the punishment they could handle for one day. They had both managed about 30 miles, but Joe was still going strong. A group of us set out for a fourth lap, but about a mile and a half into the lap my rear tire went soft for the second time in two minutes, so I turned around and headed back to the trailhead.

Amazingly, Joe managed to make the fourth lap issue free. Not a single mechanical issue all day long! Four laps of Big M and his Hyper Shocker was still rocking.

The Winner, covering an astonishing 38 miles: Joe Cantwell.

In a post-race interview Joe was quoted as saying “this is the best bike ever and I will never go back to that overpriced gravel bike I have sitting at home” (I may have made this part up too).

Matt was so intrigued by the Havoc and the Shocker that he took each of them for a spin around the trailhead. Witness said he took them off some sweet jumps.

Awards were presented, a few prizes given out and many, many stories about the day were told as we sat around the fire not wanting the day to end. Eventually we all got hungry and decided it was time to clear out and get some food.

All in all, it was a great day. A day Brett would have enjoyed so much, and it was a great way to honor him with a Bad Idea Ride.

If you were not able to make it don’t worry too much, you missed out on the first annual LumberJunk, but you can bet there will be a second annual LumberJunk. And maybe next time I’ll give more than two weeks notice.

One of the prize winners with gifts from ESI and Hammer Nutrition

I do want to say thank you to everyone who joined in, made a donation or encouraged our shenanigans through social media. The day was about having a good time, but it was also about honoring a great friend. You all made that possible.

Lastly, a big thank you to SPIN Bicycle Shop, Hammer Nutrition, ESIGrips and Big Bear Sportsman’s Club. Your support for this day is greatly appreciated.

If you are so inclined to make a donation to the Brett Miller Memorial fund here is how:

Donation information for the Brett Miller Memorial Fund, administered through MSU Federal Credit Union: Donations can be made to the Brett Miller Memorial Fund, care of SPIN Bicycle Shop 206 E Cesar E Chavez Ave, Lansing MI, 48906. They can also be sent via PayPal or Venmo using brettmillermemorialfund@gmail.com as the recipient.